Today whilst many of you will be starting completely slack jawed and agape at your television HD sets watching Monday Evening Foot Ball featuring the Sea Hawks, I will be doing other, much more important things. This may seem shocking to you, but after you read the reasons I have outlined I am certain you will follow suit and do something, anything, other than engage in a racist (yes, RACIST) activity which pollutes body, mind, spirit, and planet.
First of all, don't think I didn't notice the content of your many "woops" last week, in which you admonished the Sea Hawks to "beat the Washington Red Skins." Being well acquainted with several of the local Indian tribes via my partaking of their exceptionally low prices on Virginia Slims, I can say with 100% certainty that they are both wise and peaceful. It was with a heavy heart last week that I read your team had most certainly followed the wishes of the unenlightened crowd and indeed beaten the Red Skins of Washington. I was not familiar with that particular nation, and now I fear I shall never be. I can only wonder what manner of steep discount they could have offered me on my 'Slims I also wonder how that degree of violence and bullying could possibly contribute to the cause of Monday Evening Football. After all, at the end of the day this is a sport, is it not? These activities demean you, genteel reader. They are a serious roadblock in your quest to enlightenment and as your mentor I must insist you abandon such things at once.
Ironically, as I was studying a display of cheap snack foods and inorganic, mass-produced ale it dawned on me that the Sea Hawks' logo is little more than a rip off of local native art, albeit in gauche shades of brandeis and teal rather than the traditional red and black. So on one hand, foot ball reveres the plight of the native, whereupon the other hand, the athletes are expected to "kick the Red Skins' asses" as some sort of grotesque prelude to a sporting event? You people are vile and stupid and sick.
This bring me to the next point which I shall not belabor, having harangued at length on the subject in previous posts; inorganic snacks will make you fat. I only avail myself of organic foods and other ethically produced goods. This has resulted in my being pleasantly chubby rather than fat. You should follow suit, let your conscience be your guide!
Foot Ball is bad for the planet and pollutes the very air we breathe! Though I did little numerical research, I contemplated and pondered about the subject at length. I came to the conclusion that flying teams to and fro to various cities, the mass movement of fans from their squalid trailers to massive coliseums in what I assume to NOT be Toyota Prii, must produce a MASSIVE carbon footprint and is equivalent to an entirely new commute. Is your weekly televised orgy of pain and gladiation really worth adding extra carbon monoxide to our planet's atmosphere? I shouldn't even have to pose that question in the first place!
Finally, by taking the 60 minutes each week to watch the game, and perhaps 10 or 15 to prepare for watching the game, you are squandering 60 minutes that you could have spent reading a classical work of literature, a comic book, or for the non-literatti among you, a candy wrapper you found outside your bloated McMansion. (Of course, the preparation time would still apply, but would certainly be of benefit as prepping a bowl of organic fruit such as kumkwats is an appropriate use of one's very precious time!)
Anyways, I hope I have really given you something to think about here. Katie and Ricardo have already began their whooping and eating of revolting foods, even though the game has not yet commenced. Though I asked them to move it to the bedroom, they only briefly complied and have come out and turned on the TV again. So I guess this concludes this 'blog post. I am going to try and find some tissue to conspicuously place in my ears while I plop down next to them on the couch and scowl while reading a large book on organic gardening.
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