Gingerbread home SMASHED by Puppy Bear!

I count among my crafty genteel hobbies the art and science of gingerbread house construction.  Gingerbreads are my bricks, frosting is my mortar, and delightful X-mas ("Christmas" is for fascists,  more on this later,) candies my decor!  This has not only provided hours of relief from reality, but delicious snacking opportunities as I enhance both my creativity and my pendulous abdomen.  This year, I had it in my heart to craft not just a simple gingerbread house, but a gingerbread COMMUNITY replete with multiple houses, several coffee houses with reading/writing rooms, libraries, bookstores, and quiet reading/writing nooks, perfectly manicured parks hosting multiple farmer's markets, kumkwat trees, Xanax trees, anything and everything you could ever want in a higher utopia.  I laid out a vision over an afternoon while Katie worked two waitressing shifts, drew up a stupendous set of blueprints, then I walked to her restaurant and hit her up for some cash so I could go invest it in gingerbread house accouterments (her attitude as she handed over the cash was quite poor.  I do not care to be sneered at.)

The rest of the afternoon was spent haranguing at sweets store owners as only a true artisan can!  The frosting, the candies, the gingerbread all had to be utterly perfect! (Can you believe  genteel readers, that the fat, ignorant, buck-toothed trollop had the NERVE to cut my first order of organic gingerbread with the same knife that had JUST been used to cut a non-organic batch of cookies?  She was also a sloppy measurer as well - a candy architect she shall never be.)   After arbitrarily sending back several orders for contrived flaws, all the better to frustrate the teenage bastard-factory, I finally had the perfect (all organic!) gingerbread substrate with which to build my resplendent confectionery utopia.   Unfortunately, I was low on funds and all my credit card are either maxed out/in collections, so I was forced to shoplift several bags of Halloween candy, which I think makes me quite the Dickensian, just like Oliver Twist. I do not know if the candy was organic or no, but it wasn't labelled such.  Still, I can't see a confectioner using impure ingredients, so I can safely assume they are free of preservatives and are sourced from fair trade coca beans and sugar trees.  I took my "construction supplies" home, and after several dozen minutes of intensely focused effort produced this:

The Nascent Paradise!

Just as I was admiring my work, Puppy Bear came sauntering over with her tennis ball, as Puppy Bear is wont to do.  She dropped the ball at my feet and did the cutest little play-bow dance, tail gesticulating, sharp canine eyes flashing.  I placed my creation on the floor and took several steps back to create distance whence I tossed the ball.  Then, Puppy Bear being a dog sniffed at the gingerbread house.  Anyone who owns a dog knows what was to come next, and so boldly I acted!

I hurled the tennis ball square at Puppy Bear's head!  "PUPPY BEAR NOOOOOO!!!" I shrieked.  The idiot mutt ran off with her tail between her legs, retreating to the safety of under the bed (she can entertain herself there for hours when I hold one of my tizzies.) I ran after her to give her the spanking she had earned, when I placed my foot directly onto the roof of my gingerbread mansion - no - PALACE!  And this was the result, stupid fucking dog!  

Stupid Goddamn Dog! 

She crawled under the bed as I pounded my fist against the drywall, screaming at the top of my lungs in agony over what had happened to my candy castle.  I tried to lift the bed, but alas I was too feeble (fucking crossfit!) Of course, this is when Katie comes home, starts comforting and cuddling MY dog and doesn't at all attend to my grieving process!  I threw the rest of my frosting againt the wall!  I threw the gingerbread!  I threw the candies!!  In my blind agony, I tore up the detailed blueprints I had drawn out!  Sprinkles?  I THREW THEM AGAINST THE WALL!!

When I opened my eyes I thought I was dreaming.  I was in my candy paradise!  Colors and frosting and lick-able architecture!  I whimsically danced through the house!  Kaloo!  Kalay!!  I opened the door to the master bedroom, and to my horror saw a shaking puppy bear and a Katie with tear streaked eyes.

"Oh, it's YOU." I said flatly.  I realized she did not appreciate the cathartic creation of my utopia.  The rage precipitated by Puppy Bear's idiocy had been transformed and transcended by me, the artist, into a living paradigm of paradise.  And all she could do is cry and scold my about my temper.  All Puppy Bear could do is sit there quivering, and I think she peed under the bed because there is the awfullest smell coming from under there at this time right now.

I do have a new idea for a book.  It's a series of (get this!) prequels to Twilight AND Fifty Shades of Grey!  The nexus between the two universes?  It's FRANKENSTEIN!  I will have Edward fall in love with a Frankenstein!  This is going to sell, people!