My Spouse and Our Relationship

Genteel Readers;

Now, important to any genius is a diet of nutritious and delicious food (I find the two often go hand in hand,) all the better with which to whimsically spin fanciful tales which inspire you, the little people, to live moral and fulfilling lives.  Anyway, my spouse (I prefer "spouse" over the degrading, sexist and barbaric term "wife") has made the little error of choosing to be a vegetarian, thus depriving her of one of the four food groups (the meat one.)  Obviously, this is deleterious (bad,) for both her health and vitality.  However, not wanting to stifle her creativity, I must at least feign to support her vegetable-loving tendencies without letting her starve and waste away for lack of animal products (all organic and raised cruelty-free, mind you!)

Fortunately for both her and I, she tends to sleep with her mouth open.  I will admit that, early in our marriage, I would take advantage of this in the worst way.  I did so by feeding her long-dead flies in her sleep when she angered me, which was much more often than I care to admit.  I must have cleaned out every single outdoor porch light in the first few months of our marriage.  I got vindictive satisfaction in the form of watching her eat crunchy dead flies, while she never had to experience the outcome of my rancor.  Nowadays, we sleep in separate beds in different rooms, (actually, she sleep in the bed and I prefer the quilted coziness of the couch.) She has her three waitressing jobs, I have my writing career, and I am pleased to say we have reached a steady yet loving equilibrium.

But that is beside the point of this essay, which is to discuss how I manage my partner's health in spite of her gauche vegetarianism.  The mechanics are simple, and consist of Spam blended with water in a turkey baster, surreptitiously gavaged to her at night in her slumber.  Originally I did have to use an eye dropper, but as she grew accustomed to me dripping emulsified spam into her mouth as she slept, I was able to use a higher throughput method.  Additionally, making sure to slip some benadryl into her dinner helps her sleep soundly through her nocturnal feedings (I shall make such an excellent father one day!)

She has of course attempted to thwart my efforts.  Can you believe she actually thought a LOCK on her door would deter me?  Ah, no!  Locks are simply a mechanical expression of cunning and sensitivity, and I possess both in spades!  After several nights of unsuccessful attempts to pick the lock, I simply stole the key during the day and had it copied.  So is my formulae; benadryl in the soup, hidden key to her room, and a turkey baster full of spam and water.

Katie's favorite pastime is nagging.  "We never go out anymore." and  "I've been on my feet all day would you mind going to the grocery store?" and "A 35 year old should not need Cialis." are the skewers she uses to distract me from my writing craft, as spouses are wont to do.

Other than that, we occasionally watch some television.

Writing a Romance novel, more on that later, perhaps.